Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
