this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You may now shotgun with the bride
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
