Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
