Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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