i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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