you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
