Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
