i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
