I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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