The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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