A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
