the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
