I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
