i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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