Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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