I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
