By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
