Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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