i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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