I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
