Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
