I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
