i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
