Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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