I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
