I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
