We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
