you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
