he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
