Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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