Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
