I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
