I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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