On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
