He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
