I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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