you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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