I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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