Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
