nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ugly people sure do ruin things
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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