So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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