last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
