Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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