If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
