Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
