My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
