Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
