She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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