i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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