I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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