I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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