I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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