this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
